i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
