I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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