You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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