Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize