do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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