So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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