I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's Friday. Sex?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
