There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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