I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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