fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
