i need an iv and a liver transplant
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
