The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
