so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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