Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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