Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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