My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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