Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
