my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
