I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
