On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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