Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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