Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
