I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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