so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
