I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
