She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
