I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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