Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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