i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
His nipple licking is glorious
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