I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
