she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
