Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
