if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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