6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
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