What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
