i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
