Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
