I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
