I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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