He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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