thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
