mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
this hospital has no fireball
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
