Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
