Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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