I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
