Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
