You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
His nipple licking is glorious
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