I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
