1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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