k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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