on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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