Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
